Dynasty Idiots Part 4: The Erroneous Origins of Sailor Wu
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: The popular and hilarious series is back on demand! This Sailor Moon parody is an expansion of a reoccurring skit from my earlier entries. A retelling of the first episode of the original Sailor Moon series, will Xiao Qiao become a Sailor Scout, or fail horrendously? Rated T for mild mature content, language, and plenty of hilarity.
1. Introduction

**Story** : Dynasty Idiots Part 4: The Erroneous Origins of Sailor Wu  
 **Authors** : Master Jin Sonata  
 **Written** : April 29th, 2016  
 **Genre** : Humor/Parody  
 **Rating** : T (Language, Violence)  
 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Koei or its hilarious antics of its heroes.

* * *

 **Introduction**

 _Several thousand years ago, China was home to a great civilization ruled by Queen Qiao. Everything was peaceful, until the Fire Nation attacked._

 _…Wait, that's not right, hold on…I seemed to have gotten my scripts mixed up…ah, here we go. Ahem._

 _Everything was peaceful, until the arrival of evil Queen Zhang Chunhua._

"Hahahaha, first the Three Kingdoms shall be mine, then all of China!" proclaims Queen Zhang Chunhua as she lays waste to everything around her.

 _To conquer the Three Kingdoms, Queen Zhang Chunhua unleashed the awesome power of the Post Meta Angst that all fangirls reading this would crumple under. Although her kingdom was nearly destroyed, Queen Qiao's last hope was the power of the Imperial Golden Seal and the Crystal Peacock Folding Fans._

"Only the Crystal Peacock Folding Fans can combat the power of the Post Meta Angst. Never let our enemies get them or our Kingdom will never be restored. But most of all you must protect my reincarnated successor: Xiao Qiao. Do you understand?" Queen Qiao decrees to two adorable little cats that knelled before her. One cat, named Bao Sanniang was female with black fur and wore green frilly décor. The other, named Guan Suo, was male with white fur and a more contemporary outfit.

"Yes, leave it to us!" both Bao and Suo reply simultaneously.

 _In Wu-beam crystals, the queen sent the two cats into the future known as Modern Day China. Their mission was to find this Xiao Qiao girl and lead her to her destiny._

 _And so our story begins!_

* * *

 **Xiao Qiao's House**

 **RIIIING!**

 **BLAM!**

Pulling out a pistol and shooting her alarm clock as soon as it rang, our heroine, Xiao Qiao, yawns tiredly as she peeks her head out from underneath covers and gazes at the now smoldering clock she had shot. It was then it hit her that she was thirty minutes late to school.

"Oh no! I'm late for school again! Dad! Why didn't you wake me up in time for the first bell?" Xiao proclaims, hopping out of her bed and scrambling to get dressed.

"I did, Xiao, seventeen times, and each time you said you were getting up right away," her dad, Sun Jian, calls to her from downstairs.

"And you believed that bullshit?!" Xiao yells back.

"Hey, your grades, not mine!" Sun Jian responds.

As Xiao rushes out of her bedroom door, she trips over some stray clothes and tumbles down several flights of stairs before crashing and burning (in a literal flame) at the bottom.

Sun Jian sighs. "We're barely into this story and our heroin is already trying to kill herself…"

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next chapter** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

After her father had used a fire extinguisher to douse out the flames engulfing her daughter, Xiao takes a seat at the table and began destroying the breakfast laid out in front of her. Seated to her left was her older sister Da Qiao, and across from them both was their father Sun Jian.

"Geez Xiao, plan on making us starve today?" Da says smugly to her sister.

"You mean all of this food wasn't made just for me?!" Xiao responds in between jamming down her plate full of eggs, toast and bacon.

"Well if you insist on having all of that food go directly to your thighs then be my guest," Da adds, poking fun at her as she eventually was able to get some food for herself.

"Nuh-uh, that's not true!" Xiao retorts.

"Now now, girls, save that fire and energy for the battlefield," Sun Jian reminds them both.

"Oh dad, there hasn't been a battle, let alone a war in China for thousands of years!" Xiao responds. "Even so, most of it is just a legend anyways."

Sun Jian sighs.

"That may be true, but you never know when your training will come in handy," Sun Jian says to them both.

"Hmph, I still don't see why you bother training us in martial arts. Like I said, nothing's going to happen around here in this dull town. My mind is set on settling down with a hot guy and moving to the big city after graduation!" Xiao speculates and daydreams.

"Sis, you're still in Junior High, dream on," Da reminds her.

Xiao sticks her tongue out at her big sis before standing and preparing to finish prepping for school. After grabbing her book bag, Xiao turns to her sister and father and smiles.

"Just watch, today will end up being a day just like any other, you'll see!" Xiao states before running off.

Da and Sun Jian look at one another and sighs.

"At least she's adamant in her resolve. I just wish she uses that energy to at least pass her classes and not gawk at guys in those trashy teen magazines…" Sun Jian says as he watches his daughter speed down the neighborhood sidewalk.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next chapter** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Xiao skips merrily down the sidewalk of her neighborhood as she heads for her school. Along the way, she notices a bunch of kids messing around with something by a basketball court. Curious to this occurrence, Xiao rushes over to see what the hubbub was all about.

The kids were poking a stick at some black furry object on the ground. Squinting, Xiao looks closer.

"A black cat?! That poor thing," Xiao says, her cheeks turning red as she rushes forward toward the group of kids. "Stop that, leave that poor cat alone!" Xiao yells.

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do to stop us, huh?" says one of the bratty children.

 **BLAM BLAM BLAM!**

The kids scatter the area screaming for their dear lives as Xiao pulls out her trusty pistol and fires into the air.

"Man I love this thing, stupid dumbass kids…" Xiao says, putting away her weapon and approaching the cat. "Poor kitty," she continues, noticing a bandage on its forehead.

Xiao slowly peels it off, which causes the cat to be startled awake. It looks up at Xiao both scared and relieved.

"Wow, that's weird…this cat has a strange Shu-clan symbol on its head. Welp, time to put it out of its misery since I'm not a fan of that clan…" Xiao says, reaching for her pistol once more.

"WAAAIIT!" the cat suddenly screeches, jumping out of Xiao's grasp, and landing in front of her. "Don't shoot me, I'm on your side!" it says to her.

Xiao stares blankly at the cat for what seemed like forever before she reacts.

"AAAHHHH A TALKING CAT!" Xiao screams, now about to pull the trigger.

 **RIIING!**

In the distance, Xiao suddenly hears her school's bell ring.

She was late.

"Oh no, class is about to start!" Xiao proclaims as she turns away for a brief moment.

When she turns back toward the cat, it had suddenly disappeared.

"What the?! Where did that talking cat go?! What am I talking about, I must be delusional, my family probably spiked my breakfast or something this morning. Anyways, I gotta hurry to class!" Xiao says, getting up and rushing away from the scene.

As Xiao leaves the vicinity, the black cat whom she rescued sat at the top of a nearby fence, watching her leave.

"So this girl is the reincarnation of the great Queen Qiao?! I will need to purchase a bullet proof vest before our next encounter," the cat says a huff before exiting the scene.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Xiao increases her running pace as she could see her school in the distance. That little diversion with the cat may have gotten her in…

 **RIIIIING!**

…trouble.

"Oh crap, that's the bell!" Xiao yelps as she passes through the main schoolyard gates before it closes on her.

She hops up the stairs, turns the corner, and runs at full speed down the main hallway. When she approaches the next coroner where her homeroom was, she was suddenly met with an unexpected person…

…her teacher, Zhu Rong.

"Xiao Qiao! You are late for the fortieth time this semester!" Zhu Rong says sternly, arms crossed as she stands right outside of Xiao's classroom, glowering down upon her.

"Ah crap! Miss Rong, I can expla-!" Xiao tries to say, but is cut-off mid-sentence.

"No excuses. You will wait out here until class is over, then we will have a private chat," Zhu Rong says before stepping back inside her classroom and slamming the door shut behind her.

"…Shit…" Xiao mutters, slumping on to the floor in response.

 _ **RING!**_

It was then she received a call on her cell phone. She takes it out of her pocket to see who was ringing her.

It was an unlisted number.

"Who is calling me right now?" Xiao ponders, before deciding to answer it.

"Hello?"

" _Xiao, it's me, the cat you rescued earlier."_

"Huh?! Who is this?! What are you talking about?"

"Are you deaf? _I repeat, it's the cat you saved earlier. You know, the black cat, the one with the Shu-clan symbol on its forehead whom you saved from those bratty kids and then nearly turned on me?"_

"…You mean from earlier? Wait, I carry my pistol with me, wasn't I?"

" _Yes, yes you were you psycho bitch."_

"Oh...okay then…but why the hell is a cat talking to me? You mean I wasn't crazy when I heard you speak to me back there?"

" _Apparently not, bright-eyes."_

Xiao couldn't believe what she was hearing. Just who was this cat anyways, and what did she want with her?

"Okay, well, what do you want with me?"

" _I am calling to inform you of a prophecy you are to fulfill in the coming days. It is going to be your sole duty to lead a group of local heroes to help eradicate an ancient evil from thousands of years ago that will return to wreak havoc upon the world. I need you to meet me tonight in the shopping district for more explanation. Do you understand, Xiao?"_

"….Uh…I guess so…alright…I'll bite."

" _Good girl, you're not as dumb as you look!"_

"Hey, that's not nice! Oh, by the way, can I ask you one more thing?"

" _Sure, what is?"_

"How did you get my number again?"

" _Yellow Pages, toots, look it up. Later!"_

 **CLICK!**

Xiao sets down her phone and sighs.

"This is all so weird…me, becoming a hero to save the day? What is this, a fanfiction parodying a magic-girl anime and manga series?" Xiao ponders to herself.

Nonetheless, she still had a long time to wait before nightfall.

Just then, the classroom doors fly open. It her was her teacher, Zhu Rong, handing her a sheet of paper.

"By the way, you failed last week's test. You scored a negative thirty-four. Just wait until I call your parents!" Zhu Rong taunts before slamming the classroom shut once again.

"Fuck...my life…" Xiao mutters under her breath.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

After school, all Xiao could do was sulk. She sat on the steps in front of her school, moaning and groaning to her best friend, Bao Sanniang.

"Bao…my life is hopeless!" Xiao cries to her.

"Well, you did bomb your 100th test this semester after all, I'm surprised they still let you come on campus with your track record," Bao responds sarcastically, sipping on a juice box.

"No, I don't mean that! I forgot my lunch back at my house, and I'm starving!" Xiao whines.

Bao shrugs.

"Can't help you with that," she says, now munching on two meat buns, one which should could have shared with her best friend.

"Oh well, it's not like anything is new…" Xiao says, before remembering something. "Wait, that's right, I have a date tonight!" she says, piping up with excitement.

Boa nearly spat out her bun upon hearing this. "What?! You…have a date?!"

"That's right! A strange creepy talking cat who I saved earlier called me on my cell and ask to meet tonight in the shopping district!" Xiao explains.

"….What…in Tao's name...are you smoking?" Bao responds dryly, eyebrow raised at the ridiculousness of her statement.

"I'm telling the truth! You must believe me, Bao!" Xiao pleads.

Boa sighs. "Well, seeing as I'm in a ridiculous story as it is anyways, I guess I have no choice but to play along," Boa responds, darting a look at you, the reader.

"Good! Come on, let's go wander around the city in the meantime!" Xiao says excitedly, grabbing Bao by the hand and yanking her off toward the school's exit.

As both girls leave the area, they were unaware that someone was spying on them.

 _"Hmph, that Xiao has spunk. I'll keep my eyes on her,"_ the mysterious person says, grinning in anticipation.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Xiao and Bao were nearing the city to hang around look at stuff until the evening. Along the way, they ran into another of their classmates whom Xiao did not want anything to do with.

"Hey ladies! How's it going?" calls out Lu Xun, who was wearing coke-bottle glasses and had messy hair.

"Ah shit, it's that nerd from my math class!" Xiao groans out loud as Lu Xun approaches them.

"Oh, hey Lu, what brings you to the city?" Bao asks, not bothered by his presence at all.

"I came to ask what you got on your test this morning. I did a horrible job on mine," Lu Xun responds.

"What?! You mean the smartest person in the school bombed a test?! Just how shitty did you do?" Xiao eagerly asks, her interest reignited in him for the moment.

Lu Xun pulls out his test and shows it to both girls.

"I got a 99 out of 100, isn't that awful?!" Lu Xun pouts.

Both Xiao and Bao glare at Lu at the ridiculousness of his claim that he did horrible. Xiao's eyes began to twitch as she began reaching for her gun, but was immediately stopped by Bao before Lu could notice.

"Riiiight… well, better luck next time…I guess," Bao responds with a cheesy smile. "Um, so was that all you wanted to show us?"

"Well, actually there is something else I wanted to report," Lu Xun continues, adjusting his glasses. "Did you hear about the attempted robbery that took place this morning?"

Both girls look at one another.

"Robbery? No, haven't heard anything about one," Xiao responds.

"Yeah, it took place at the Jewelry Store!" Lu Xun adds.

Bao gasps upon hearing this.

"What?! That's where my mom works! I hope she's okay!" Bao yelps in a bit of panic.

"Relax, she and everyone else there are fine! The store's burglars were apprehended by the city's masked vigilante hero: Sailor X!" Lu Xun explains.

"Sailor X? I've been hearing a lot about her. Supposedly she's very beautiful and strong, and doesn't hesitate to smash some skulls. I wonder what her true identity is…" Bao wonders out loud.

"I don't know, but she sounds like a cool person. Wish she would come harass my teacher Zhu Rong and force her to give me better grades. I wonder if she has a hot and sexy boyfriend as well…" Xiao wonders out loud in response.

Both Lu Xun and Bao stare at Xiao at her outlandish comment.

"…What?! A girl can dream, can't they?" Xiao says in a huff.

"Well, nonetheless, I've got nothing to do. Mind if I tag along?" Lu Xun asks both girls.

"Fine, just don't try to embarrass us with your geekiness. We're just wandering about until it gets late. I have a hot date with a cat tonight in the shopping district," Xiao says to him.

"…Sounds kinky. I'll bite!" Lu Xun responds with a wide mile.

Both girls roll their eyes as they all resume towards the heart of the city, window-shopping and messing around until sunset.

All the while that mysterious figure from earlier continues to watch them from the shadows.

 _"Your destiny will soon be realized, little girl,"_ the mysterious person says before disappearing once more.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Xiao, Bao, and Lun Xun spent the greater part of the evening wandering about the shopping district within the city. Most of their time was spent ogling over items which they could not afford. Soon their aimless roaming brought them to a jewelry store at the end of the main road.

"Hey, why don't we check this place out?" Bao says, pointing toward an all-glass building from across the street. To their surprise, the place was exceedingly crowded, with at least five hundred or so persons crowded around or stampeding into the store.

"Hey, isn't that Zhen Ji's Jewelry Store?" Xiao asks, baffled at the commotion surrounding the place.

"Yeah that's the place! I heard from a reliable source that they're having a huge sale today!" Lu Xun explains to both girls.

"A sale eh? Well, not like our broke asses can afford expensive jewelry to begin with…" Xiao Qiao says with a huff.

"Did I mention the sales range from 95-99% off all items?" Lu Xun adds.

"ICY BLING HERE I COME!" Xiao yells immediately in excitement, grabbing both of her friends and bolting toward the store, barreling through the crowd like a bowling ball meeting pins.

Once inside the chaotic store, both Xiao and Bao's eyes were sparkling at the array of fine jewelry surrounding them. Diamonds, pearls, gold and silver necklaces, rings and more glistened across the display cases in unparalleled beauty.

"I'll just…stay around the entrance until you two are finished…" Lu Xun says as both girls immediately scattered and began fighting the other costumers for the biggest sale items. As they did so, Lu Xun was approached by the store's owner: Zhen Ji.

"Why hello, young man. Come to buy something for your little girlfriends?" Zhen Ji says to him in a sultry voice.

Lu Xun's face turns bright red in embarrassment and nervousness from her advance and tone.

"Uh…uh, no I'm just...uh…hanging around with them until they're done…yeah…" Lu Xun stammers in response, trying to keep a cool face but failing miserably in the process.

Zhen Ji laughs.

"It's alright, no need to be shy about it. Besides, the brightest gems are the ones that stand out the most, wouldn't you agree?" Zhen Ji say to him with an unusually dark grin.

"Well uh…yeah I suppose…" Lu Xun gulps in response. "I suppose you're talking about…Xiao Qiao by chance? "

"Oh ho ho, such a smart little boy! Yes, I am talking about her. Tell me, does she conceal any…secrets within her?" Zhen Ji questions.

Lu Xun scratches his head before answering.

"Well, she does carry a gun on her, if that's what you are referring to…" Lu Xun reveals.

"Hmm I see, very inter-wait what did you say?!" Zhen Ji pauses at the sudden revelation.

"Yeah, she's packing heat. Xiao is quite the firecracker, but she's still gotta protect herself somehow, right? Be it from muggers or evil interdimensional magician sorceresses of darkness," Lu Xun says with a chuckle.

Zhen Ji pauses and glares at Lu Xun at the sheer fact that she could not tell if he was telling the truth or bullshitting her. Nevertheless, she regains her composure and grins.

"I see. Well, just be sure that Xiao and her little friend both buy something from my amazing store-wide sale. I promise you my gems will capture the essence of their souls…forever…" Zhen Ji eludes with a mischievous smile before turning to assist other costumers.

Before he could process what just happened between them, Xiao and Bao both emerge from the crowd, holding what looked to be millions of dollars' worth of jewelry undoubtedly discounted to nearly pennies on the dollar.

"He Lu, mind if we borrowed your allowance to help pay for all of this? Bao asks with a pleading puppy dog expression.

Lu Xun sighs. He wasn't sure if he should tell the girls the strange encounter he had with the store's owner. Nonetheless, he decides to wait until after sunset when the commotion dies down.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


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